Capitali$m $uck$ (TM)
(Prologue)
Prologue
“13 dollars for the toenail, 20 for the big toenail.”
“What about the second biggest toenail?”
“13 bucks, did you bring your own pliers?”
“No.”
“Then there’s a dollar-fifty surcharge for the use of our pliers.”
“So, only 11.50 then?”
“Yep.”
“What do I gotta do?”
“Well, you pull out the toenail and we will need to see the toenail being ripped from the toe, so we know it’s not a fake. Then you give the toenail to us and we give you eleven-fifty. Easy Peasy.”
“What about the blood?”
“Your problem.”
“Ok. I’m diabetic, so the nail was going to go anyway,” the customer said by way of explanation.
But reasons, really, are inconsequential to the process.
“I’ll sign, hand me the pliers.”
As the customer wiggled and ripped at his toe nail, trying to leverage a clean pull, he asked through a wince, “So, who, oww, gets my toe nail?”
“Hey, half a toe nail, half the money,” You have to maintain a stoicism in these situations. “We cannot disclose the buyer, the price, or the purpose for your toe nail. Sorry. Oh, it’s usually less painful to make a clean pull, but if pain’s your thing, don’t make a mess or mangle the nail.”
Two minutes later, the consumer had the eleven-fifty and saved money by bringing his own bandages.
“Thank you for choosing Capitali$m $uck$. And have a Monied Day.”
$$$
Like his local Chinese restaurant, Jimmy wanted to try everything on the menu at least once.
He thought of himself as a real thrill seeker kind of guy — always looking for new experiences.
“So, what’s this one?”
“That one’s very simple, for every hour you sit in a chair, you earn a quarter.”
“What’s that?”
“Just as it sounds. For every hour you sit in a chair, you earn a quarter.”
“Can I be on my phone?”
“No. No phone. Just sit in the chair.”
“Listen to music? Write? Have anything I can bring to occupy my time?”
“No, no and no. Just sit in the chair. You must be in the chair for at least an hour. And you must be in the chair for the entire hour for each hour after the first hour as well to earn additional quarters. Half hours or even a minute over the hour earns no money. An Eight hour shift will earn you two bucks.”
“Any talki — -?”
“No talking.”
“Can I sleep?”
“No.”
“Move around?”
“Roller coaster rules. All hands and feet must remain inside the chair at all times.”
“Is the chair uncomfortable?”
“No. It’s a comfy chair. Soft cushions, an Amazon Barcalounger in fact, you can put your feet up.”
“What about restroom breaks?”
“At the top of the hour, you get a three-minute break to get up, go to the restroom in the back store room or do whatever, but you can’t leave the building. The timer restarts when you sit down, so you must be in the building for at least eight hours and twenty-four minutes for eight hour’s pay. If you get up early, you lose that hour’s quarter. If you get back after three minutes, you lose the quarter for that whole hour and must wait until the next hour to earn money.”
“Do I need to make an appointment to sit in the chair?”
“We currently have three chairs for hire. You can earn quarters whenever you please, we’re open 24/7, but those who apply for an appointment for The Chair Sit Job get preferential treatment.”
“Well, I do have four hours to kill, er, four hours and twelve minutes. Anything for a buck, right? Anything else?”
“You will be filmed for quality control and other other uses. It’s all in the work contract.”
“What other uses?”
“Can’t say.”
“Um, like I said. I’m not doing anything today. Why not? This could be a part-time gig. I’ll do four hours, I mean, I’m here, right? Why not? Money is money.”
“Right, follow me and thank you for choosing Capitali$m $uck$ and Have a Monied Day.”
$$$
Scott, muscular and strong as Borax, spent a lifetime using his body for cash. He was in porn until his mid thirties. Freelance cock for rent. It didn’t pay for shit, but none of his friends or family ever found out because in porn no one ever sees the man’s face. He told his family he was a steel worker. After the freestyle porn life petered out, so to speak, Scott actually became a steel worker. Smelting wrecked his body even more than the daily hormone injections, drug use, and physical competition of the porn industry. And the sheer back-breaking repetitive nature of steel work and blinding heat left his forty-year-old body used up like old lube. An ache with no release.
Scott did get to see Donald Trump minutes before the incident, so there’s that. But the pandemic and subsequent drop in worldwide steel usage left Scott underwater and homeless with a house mortgage the bank snapped up after two missed payments. Plus, houseless, he still owed the bank the house money due to new bank regulations.
Tessa sipped on a new Coke Mellow while she distractedly listened Scott’s story.
Mmmmmm, Coke Mellow, now with liquid THC, only ten bucks a can. Dispense Good Vibes La-La-La-La.
Everyone has a story of woe that she has to hear, but that’s just part of the job Tessa thought. She’s an impotent psychologist who’s paid to hurt instead of help. Scott didn’t know what job he wanted, so she was more interested in Capitali$m $uck$’ Dewey Decimal-style card catalog. Her special skill, mainly, was matching the job to the applicant.
Capitali$m $uck$ was all analog. No internet, no digital, no cryptocurrency. All cash. The cameras and TVs were all pawn shop 1990’s fare. All designed to stay under the radar. All by the client’s request. If you wanted to track what the applicants were doing, you had to be there. Digital tracking and micro transactions were rooted out. Tessa felt like a God damn hippie not even having a phone.
Scott struck Tessa as buff and an extrovert, older, but hard, so to the 100’s; Body, and 500’s; Competitions and Game Shows. The Capitali$m $uck$ card catalog, still a work in progress, is as follows:
100’s: Body
200’s: Mind
300’s: Spirit
400’s: Sex and Family
500’s: Competition and Game Shows
600’s: Short-term Legitimate Work
700’s: Long-Term Legitimate Work
800’s: Would You Rather
900’s: Etcetera.
“How about Would You Rather?”
“Like the dumb party game?
“Yes, except real, you must choose one and follow through on the choice.”
“What’s it pay?”
“Varies.”
“I need just under ten-grand.”
“How are your kidneys?”
“No.”
“Have any kids?”
“No.”
“How about long-term work?”
“I need it soon.” Scott believed 10,000 dollars would be enough to get his house back. He owed over 90,000.
“For the truly needy, there’s suicide, you can really set up your family.”
“No?!? Fuck No!”
“Okay, how about Fight Club?” Tessa now feeling the Coke Mellow, exhaling. Fight Club was enjoying a revival with the Fox 2000 re-edit which added more fighting. Also, the Edward Norton and Brad Pitt characters were now two separate people and instead of blowing up the credit card centers at the end, Edward Norton’s character runs a successful chain of fight clubs. Brad Pitt is the manager.
“Like the movie?”
“Yea, a new competition starts this weekend.”
“What do I gotta do?”
“Fight. 10 men enter. Random bracket fighting. One man is the winner. You must fight until one of the two fighters is declared unconscious. The unconscious one is the loser. Single elimination. A nine-thousand dollar purse.”
“What does the loser get?”
“A free ride to the hospital.”
“Any particular type of fighting?”
“Just bare-handed, naked brawling. Thought you wouldn’t mind the nudity.”
“Ah, no, not really. Nude gives me the advantage. They’ll all be looking at my ten-incher,” Scott laughed.
Tessa mumbling, “Our clients would love that.”
“What?”
“Nothing. There’s only two spots left for this weekend.”
“What if I kill a guy?”
“You’ll be okay, it’s in the contract.”
“I did amateur boxing back in the porn days to stay in shape and I was pretty good. Let’s do this!”
“Follow me to the contract room and thank you for choosing Capitali$m $uck$. Have a Monied Day.”
That weekend, Scott came in fourth and got a free ride to the hospital where he incurred a 215,000 dollar hospital bill.
$$$
Chapter One:
https://gebryan.medium.com/capitali-m-uck-tm-part-2-59fd7cba6f58
